citizen of nowhere

Chaotic preparations for Brexit are damaging Britain's economic prospects, investment and reputation. With less than a year to go until Brexit there is no clear plan. Government ministers continue to squabble over the basic question; "what kind of Brexit will we have?" The Labour opposition are as confused and divided over Brexit as the Conservative government. Jeremy Corbyn is officially supporting Brexit while ducking the blame, (to avoid antagonising most of his party who supported remain) using the old Leninist trick of giving his Tory opponents enough rope to hang themselves. His now-you-see-it, now-you-don’t version of Brexit requires delicate footwork to keep both Remain and Leave sides on board. Jez kept the illusion alive for a surprisingly long time but Labour unity is beginning to crack as his cynical posturing becomes obvious. The latest sign that all is not well came when Labour's Foreign affairs spokesperson, Emily Thornberry (who, we now discove...

It was all smiles at the EU summit in Brussels, the first time in years British politicians weren't flinging abuse at EU partners. Mrs Mayhem appeared to be entering the spirit of the occasion, for once. “Sacre Bleu”, she exclaimed, as President Macron presented her with a sample of the new Brexit British passport, just delivered from the printers in France. M Junker was in a cheery mood as he proposed a new European public holiday, "from now on, we will celebrate EU fish day each year, in honour of Brexit. In fact let's have it every month! Europe was threatened with a seafood deficit but now, thanks to the negotiating "skills" of our UK chums Madame Mayhem and Monsieurs Davis and Bunter, we'll have all the fish we can eat for years. In fact, I must appeal to Herr Farage and Lord Grease-Smog, please stop throwing fish into your tidal waters. We have more than enough already. EU consumers must get used to eating more fish, much, much more, if we're go...

Yes. It’s the news we’ve been waiting for, Britain’s secretary of state for abandoning national sovereignty, Monsieur Davis, has returned from Munich....(er, Brussels) with the vital document, listing the terms of surrender. The UK will take back control of its fishing stocks by giving unlimited access to EU trawlers to take their fill of British crustaceans, cod, haddock, sole, old shopping trolleys and beer cans scraped from the bottom of the channel. The UK’s borders will remain open to all-comers from the EU. UK citizens will proudly continue to obey the rulings of the European Court of Justice while Tory head-bangers will continue to complain about Brussels and the bloody French ‘n Germans. Yes, it’s business as usual, and we even get to pay billions into the EU budget every year, just like we used to. “It’s the deal we’ve all been waiting for”, said a visibly relieved Mr Davis. “We’ll make considerable savings by not having to send any British MEPs to the EU parliament now that...

The UK’s minister for total confusion, Mr Chris Failing, has announced there will be no border controls in Dover, or anywhere else in Britain, after Brexit. The UK will take back control by throwing its borders open to all-comers. “We’re having a party, to celebrate Brexit, and everyone’s invited!” said Mr Failing, on BBC Brexit Time with David Dimblebore. 28 million Romanian & Bulgarian immigrants are expected to respond to an earlier invitation from ex-Fuhrer Farage to visit the UK & stay as long as they like. You can use our NHS, with free cosmetic surgery, all day spa treatment, relaxation therapy and full-body massage as soon as you land. You won’t have to work, in fact we encourage you not to. Take it easy! There won’t be much work in post-employment Brexitannia. Take a positive view and don’t stress about it. Have a rest, you deserve it. Sign on at the social and they’ll take care of everything, you’ll be on generous welfare payments with free housing and all your nee...

Amid all the sound and fury of conflicting opinions about Britain’s future relationship with Europe, one startling fact stands out; Brexit is going nowhere. Secretary of State for Exiting the EU Davis has not attended a single meeting in Brussels this year. There are no negotiations going on about the transition period or the future trade relationship because the exit agreement, which must come first, has stalled on the difficult issue of the Irish border. Draft heads of agreement were exchanged between London and Brussels in December 2017 but Sec Davis disowned these terms within 24 hours of the agreement in principle. He subsequently backtracked his backtracking and the issue was generally assumed to have been resolved. In fact it was parked by HMG, in the hope some magical solution would be found and nothing was resolved, as is now obvious. There is no agreement on the Irish border issue, post Brexit, which can be spelled out in a legally binding text. The EU issued a draft text i...

Senior Tories rarely agree on anything these days. One issue that draws them together across the Leave-Remain schism is shared contempt for “overseas”, that alien landscape full of foreigners. Contempt for Johnny foreigner used to be confined to the lunatic fringe of little England, and mainly directed at Asian and African immigrants. Since the referendum of 2016 hatred of foreigners has become more widespread and respectable in Tory England. Europeans are fair game and Ireland is now becoming a target (as is Scotland). Particular venom is directed at the Irish leader, Leo Varadkar who is guilty of numerous alien vices rolled into one, he is of Indian immigrant origin, he is gay and he’s Irish. It would be hard to imaging anyone more contemptible in Tory eyes. The more Tories attack Varadkar the more his stock rises in Ireland. He has taken an energetic line in defence of the Good Friday Agreement (GFA) which infuriates Tory headbangers. Several attacks have been launched by figures ...