3.
Even as Jez scorned the ways of his enemies the dark Lord Blair thundered in the Tory press. The proles would regret their flirtation with this lunatic. They needed their heads examined. They should have heart transplants, in privatised market-driven clinics using state of the art financial management and gold-card contactless payment.
The economy would collapse within forty five minutes of the election of the mad prophet Jez. He had concealed arguments of mass destruction ready for use at a moment’s notice. He used personal chemistry as a weapon to subdue his enemies. He would lay waste to civilisation as we know it unless he was stopped. There would be no-fly zones over the trackless wastes of Tyne and Wear, there would be shock and awe in Manchester and lightening commando raids by political task forces in Birmingham, Liverpool and Tower Hamlets.
No matter how much the dark Lord Blair and his acolytes railed against Jez, it was no use. The public mood was utterly changed. The fallen wizard, Mandleperson emerged from an obscure cave where he survived on a meagre diet of beluga caviar and vintage Dom Perignon. He warned the council of elders the madness must stop or there would be an earthquake, but it was too late. His words fell on deaf ears, except in Brussels where they paid good money for his drivel in the hope of persuading the British public to stay in the EU.
The walls shook and the ground rumbled. The Temples of Mammon fell and the town halls filled with people flocking to hear the prophet Jez in ever larger numbers, despite doom-laden warnings. Jez laid out his ideas in an interview with the saintly and venerable Snow on Channel Four. The trains would be bought back by the public who once owned them and were then persuaded to buy them from themselves. They would now be conned into buying them again. Brilliant! The Tories condemned this as madness although many of them were secretly envious, even the most devious among them wondered why they had not considered a stunt like that.
Jez explained his thoughts further to the venerable Snow. The energy companies, which had been sold by the public to the public, would be bought back by the public again. “How much will that cost?” the venerable Snow asked.
“It doesn’t matter” Jez said with a breezy smile, “ the Bank of England will print new money, as much as we need. That’s what the Bank is for.” The venerable Snow struggled for words, for once. Jez continued, “we will cancel the Trident missile system, it’s much too costly and totally useless”.
“And what about the thousands of highly skilled British jobs that will be lost as a result” the venerable Snow asked.
“No problem, we will use the money saved to set up organic knitting and basket weaving courses for displaced steel workers and nuclear submarine engineers” Jez replied with a smile.
“And what about the nuclear threat from Russia and North Korea, not to mention China,” the venerable Snow asked.
“We will engage in a constructive dialogue with our Soviet, North Korean and Chinese comrades. We will embrace them in a new relationship as partners for peace” Jez replied.
“Will Mr Putin agree with that?” the venerable Snow asked, sceptically.
“Certainly, Comrade Putin is a man of peace, like Jerry Adams, Jihadi John and other misunderstood world figures. We must embrace them as friends and allies” Jez said.
The venerable Snow slumped back in his seat, his mouth wide open in a breathless, catatonic silence. Krishnan Guru Muthy rushed in front of the camera to announce a hasty commercial break as the floor manager grabbed a defibrillator and searched for the smelling salts.
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