Bye, bye Arlene!

There were tears and regrets among nationalists as Arlene Foster announced she’s preparing to pack up and leave ahead of the imminent arrival of a united Ireland. Mr G. Adams of West Belfast said he’d be “sorry to see Arlene go (not)”. Mrs Michelle O’Neill of Tyrone said, “what will we do without her? We’ll have nobody to hate now. We could try Nigel Dodds but it wouldn’t be the same. He’s too clean-cut and sensible. You just can’t work up as much anger about him. Arlene was outstandin’ with her squandering public money on heating chicken sheds, anti-Irish policy and hatred for the Good Friday Agreement. She’ll be sorely missed by all true Republicans.”

There are regrets in Dublin too. There have been rumours Arlene is secretly infatuated with dashing southern leader, Leo Varadkar. Arlene has been making eyes at Leo, sending him flirtatious messages, but his response has been ice-cold. “I did all I could to be nice to him and what did I get? Nothing, not as much as a peck on the cheek” Arlene said, ruefully.

Simon Coveney, Ireland’s foreign minister, tried to break it to Arlene gently, “he’s not like other men, I mean he likes other men, I mean .....” Coveney stuttered, trying to avoid shocking the former, occasional, First Minister. Arlene is said to be somewhat behind the times in this area and it may be a while before she’s ready for full disclosure.

Mrs T. Mayhem is said to be making special budget preparations for Arlene’s departure. £1Billion of UK taxpayers money, in used banknotes, will be left in a brown envelope at a secret location in Enniskillen to cover Arlene’s removal expenses.

DUP sources say it will be business as usual. A further billion will be set aside for clean-up the mess left by the renewable heat scheme which we’re not supposed to mention in the interests of reconciliation and harmony. “Norn Iron will never surrender to the papist EU plot to destabilise our bonfire, drinkin’ ‘n marchin’ culture” Mr Sammy Wilson MP (DUP) said, at least that’s what we think he said. Even ardent DUP supporters sometimes find it hard to understand Sammy.

Fact check; The DUP policy of supporting the Tory government in their confused and chaotic Brexit plans while, officially, opposing a hard border in Ireland makes no sense whatsoever. Brexit weakens Britain’s economy, investment and international reputation. Northern Ireland, as one of the least economically robust regions of the UK, stands to lose even more than other areas. NI is usually near the bottom in the UK pecking order and the concerns of farmers, industrialists, professionals and trades people in Northern Ireland are very far from uppermost in the minds of Tory ministers.

Further fact check; the citizens of Northern Ireland voted decisively to remain in the EU in the 2016 referendum. They also voted decisively to support the Good Friday agreement in the 1998 referendum. On both occasions the DUP were opposed to the will of the people of Northern Ireland.

The DUP are acting against the interests of the vast majority of people in Northern Ireland, in propping-up a discredited and disunited Tory administration and their disastrous Brexit policy. Brexit is damaging to the interests of Britain and doubly-damaging to the interests of Northern Ireland. It’s time to stop the Brexit chaos and restore order. A general election should be called at the earliest opportunity to ask the people of the UK what they think of Brexit now that the facts are becoming clearer. The DUP is in a unique position to ensure the people have the final word on Brexit. All that’s required is brief note to the Prime Minister and a vote in parliament. Come on Arlene, Nigel, Sammy & co. Do the decent thing, get the facts out in the open and let the people decide.